The New Fantastic Beasts Is So Bad It Actually Makes the Other Books and Movies Worse
The New Fantastic Beasts Is So Bad It Actually Makes the Other Books and Movies Worse
What a magic trick!
Congratulations to Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald for being the first flat-out terrible product of the Harry Potter expanded universe. The first two movies were not good movies, but no matter how sludgy and overlong Chris Columbus made them, they were salvaged by the truly magical origin stories they told. Harry Potter and the Cursed Child is not a good play, but its stagecraft is so fantastic that it’s the most enjoyable five-hour bad play you’ll ever see. Chocolate frog cards are dumb fake holograms, but the chocolate is pretty good. J.K. Rowling’s Twitter feed is annoying, but she does sometimes roast Piers Morgan.
Even the first movie in this carefully planned brand extension, Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, had its charms. It was hampered by expository duties but created a lively 1920s magical New York, and if hero Newt Scamander (Eddie Redmayne) was a bit boring, the movie surrounded him with lively sidekicks, from a wisecracking baker (Dan Fogler) to a rampant erumpent. When I wrote about it back in 2016, I predicted that the “almost good” Fantastic Beasts would be “the worst of the Fantastic Beasts films.” When you’re wrong, you’re wrong!
Instead of building upon the story, characters, and conflicts that Fantastic Beasts torturously established, The Crimes of Grindelwald layers on further exposition and introduces yet more new characters. Even a character I thought was safely dead is once again alive! Remember poor Credence (Ezra Miller), the moody teen who sometimes turns into a screaming cloud of smoke? I swear he got disintegrated in the New York City subway at the end of the previous movie, but now here he is moping around Paris rooftops, trying to find his mom. In my opinion he should chill out; he’s got cheekbones to die for and a hot girlfriend who’s also a huge snake, which seems like a scenario out of any goth teen’s dreams.
The hunt for Credence occupies much of the busy plot of The Crimes of Grindelwald, as lots of wizards try to track him all across a magical Paris. Why? It’s revealed at the end, sort of—I didn’t really get it. But really all you need to know is that Grindelwald (Johnny Depp with Tilda Swinton’s haircut) wants Credence, and the Ministry of Magic wants Credence, and Leta Lestrange (Zoë Kravitz) wants Credence, and a mysterious Senegalese-French wizard with magic pink eye (William Nadylam) wants Credence. Newt wants to find Credence too, so he hauls his enchanted suitcase full of beasts off to the City of Light.
Even the first movie in this carefully planned brand extension, Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, had its charms. It was hampered by expository duties but created a lively 1920s magical New York, and if hero Newt Scamander (Eddie Redmayne) was a bit boring, the movie surrounded him with lively sidekicks, from a wisecracking baker (Dan Fogler) to a rampant erumpent. When I wrote about it back in 2016, I predicted that the “almost good” Fantastic Beasts would be “the worst of the Fantastic Beasts films.” When you’re wrong, you’re wrong!
Instead of building upon the story, characters, and conflicts that Fantastic Beasts torturously established, The Crimes of Grindelwald layers on further exposition and introduces yet more new characters. Even a character I thought was safely dead is once again alive! Remember poor Credence (Ezra Miller), the moody teen who sometimes turns into a screaming cloud of smoke? I swear he got disintegrated in the New York City subway at the end of the previous movie, but now here he is moping around Paris rooftops, trying to find his mom. In my opinion he should chill out; he’s got cheekbones to die for and a hot girlfriend who’s also a huge snake, which seems like a scenario out of any goth teen’s dreams.
The hunt for Credence occupies much of the busy plot of The Crimes of Grindelwald, as lots of wizards try to track him all across a magical Paris. Why? It’s revealed at the end, sort of—I didn’t really get it. But really all you need to know is that Grindelwald (Johnny Depp with Tilda Swinton’s haircut) wants Credence, and the Ministry of Magic wants Credence, and Leta Lestrange (Zoë Kravitz) wants Credence, and a mysterious Senegalese-French wizard with magic pink eye (William Nadylam) wants Credence. Newt wants to find Credence too, so he hauls his enchanted suitcase full of beasts off to the City of Light.
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